Our hearts are heavy as we are currently making our way through the 12 steps of grief.
Gerry and I find ourselves amidst the turbulent currents of grief, again. We are weighed down by the absence of a beloved member of our family: our sweet Betty White. As we navigate this all too familiar terrain, it doesn’t seem to get easier any time you go maneuver through the grief stages.
Betty White wasn’t just a pet; she was our confidante, our comforter, our child, and our constant companion. Her presence filled our home with warmth and joy, and her absence has left an unmistakable void in our hearts. In our mourning, we find solace in the hope that our journey through grief may offer a beacon of light for those traversing similar paths.
Grief is a Unique Journey
While grief is deeply personal and unique to each individual, there is a universal thread that binds us together in our shared experiences of loss and longing. It is talking (and blogging) about the 12 steps of grief, that we know we are moving through the grief process. We know that even though we are experiencing this difficult time, we all experience different emotions.
We will candidly share our own experiences of grief, from the initial shock and denial to the gradual acceptance and healing. But more than just recounting our story, we hope to offer practical guidance and support for coping with grief in all its complexity.
So, to those who are grieving the loss of a beloved pet, a cherished friend, or a dearly loved family member, know that you are not alone. Together, let us embark on this journey through the 12 steps of grief, holding onto hope and healing amid sorrow. Note, that they are experienced in no particular order. People get through the stages at different times.
What are the 12 Steps of Grief?
The 12 stages of grief are often associated with the Kübler-Ross model, also known as the five stages of grief. These stages were first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Kübler-Ross initially identified five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, based on her work with terminally ill patients.
Over time, her five-stage model has been widely applied beyond terminal illness to various forms of loss, including the loss of family members, close friends, a relationship, loss of a job, and pets. However, over time, other theorists and mental health clinicians have expanded upon this model to include additional stages.
The expanded model with 12 stages reflects the complexities and nuances of the grieving process as understood by psychologists, therapists, and grief counselors.
Our Personal Journey Through the Phases of Grief
In the past, when it seemed impossible to maneuver through grief, seeking proof that people do get through it is important. We hope that we can serve as that for you. We talk more in-depth about Managing the Grief Journey through our loss of Betty on a recent podcast episode.
1. Shock and Denial
The first stage of grief is like we were in a dream. It was a really bad nightmare that we wanted to wake up from.
In the immediate aftermath of Betty White’s passing, Gerry and I found ourselves enveloped in a haze of shock and disbelief. It felt as though the ground had been yanked from beneath our feet, leaving us suspended in a state of numbness.
We had the “warning” since she had received a terminal diagnosis of lung cancer about 7 months prior. It didn’t matter. We struggled to comprehend the reality of her absence, clinging to the hope that it was all just a terrible mistake.
Both of us found ourselves instinctively doing all of Betty White’s favorite things. We kept to her routine, half-expecting her to come bounding around the corner at any moment. Denial became a shield, protecting us from the full weight of our grief as we grappled with the harsh truth of her absence. It was as though our minds refused to accept what our hearts already knew. We found solace in the temporary refuge of denial, allowing ourselves time to gradually confront the painful reality of our loss.
2. Pain and Guilt
As the initial shock began to subside, reality hit. The intense pain and feelings of guilt made a home inside of both of us. We found ourselves engulfed in a sea of sorrow. The pain was palpable, a constant reminder of the void left in her wake. Alongside the pain, guilt gnawed at the edges of our consciousness, wondering if we could have had more Bucketlist Rainbow Adventures with her.
We questioned whether we had done enough for Betty White, replaying moments in our minds and wondering if there was something we missed. Guilt became a heavy burden, weighing us down with self-doubt and remorse. We grappled with the irrational belief that somehow we were to blame for her passing. As we confronted the raw pain of the loss, the reality of the loss was no less painful.
3. Anger and Bargaining
As the emotional pain turned to physical pain, a storm of intense emotions swept over me (Shannon). This is where I currently am in the emotions of grief. Each day, a fiery torrent of anger and a desperate urge to bargain with a higher power takes over.
In the past, when I found myself in the anger stages, I recall being so angry at God, family, friends, and anyone who didn’t stop everything they were doing to mourn with me. The way people ask questions or try to console isn’t even welcomed. As I type this, I know that most people do not mean harm. The fact of the death of Betty White angers me on its own. However, I do know from personal experience, that having made mistakes in the past of not allowing time to grieve, makes me even more angry at those who do not understand the need for me to stop.
Anger burns bright, fueled by the injustice of losing our beloved companion and the unrelenting ache of her absence.
4. Depression and Loneliness
The profound emotional struggle of a grieving person is unfathomable for those who have not experienced it. There is no getting back to your “old self” since the former self was a life with that person, or being. Grappling with the heavy weight of the absence and the pervasive sense of isolation that comes with mourning the loss of a beloved companion is traumatic.
This stage is steeped in deep sadness. Bereaved people need time to heal, but stage four is the most unkind, though necessary as one experienced the symptoms of grief.
5. The Upward Turn
Despite the overwhelming darkness of grief, there will be flickers of light amidst the shadows. These glimmers of hope signal the gradual emergence of an upward turn.
The relentless grip of despair began to loosen its hold, making way for moments of respite and fleeting glimpses of hope. This is where we will be able to breathe a little easier, the weight of our sorrow gradually easing as we tentatively step forward into the light.
Simple pleasures will once again bring a glimmer of joy to our lives. The warmth of the sun on our faces or the sound of the ocean waves will allow us to have some solace, perhaps even feel Betty’s presence. It is a fragile yet transformative journey, where the smallest victories become beacons of hope amidst the darkness.
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
In this sixth stage of grief, we find ourselves entering a phase of reconstruction and working through our emotions. It is a time of rebuilding. Our new reality is piecing back together our shattered hearts and forging a new path forward without Betty White by our side.
We will begin to explore ways to honor her memory. We will create new rituals and traditions that celebrate the love and joy she brought into our lives. This is where one can find comfort in the presence of friends and loved ones, who offer a steady hand to guide us through the darkest moments of our grief.
7. Acceptance and Hope
We eventually will find ourselves arriving at the stage of acceptance and hope. Grief is a gradual process and doesn’t always follow linearly. Acceptance isn’t about forgetting or moving on from our loss. It is about acknowledging the reality of our new normal, and new perspectives, and finding a sense of peace within it.
It is here in the healing process that we cherish the memories we shared with Betty White. Hope arrives and is a beacon of light guiding us through the darkness of our grief. We dare to imagine a life filled with joy and purpose once again. As we embrace acceptance and hope, we discover the profound resilience of the human spirit. It has the transformative power of love to heal even the deepest wounds of the heart.
8. Meaning Making
In this stage, we anticipate being drawn to the profound process of meaning-making. It is a quest to uncover the insight and understanding buried within our loss. We anticipate that meaning-making won’t be about simply finding answers. It will be about embracing the questions. We will allow the questions to guide us toward a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us.
Immersing ourselves in the memories of our time with Betty White will be possible. We will be searching for the threads of meaning that will weave through the fabric of our lives together. In the quiet moments of reflection that lie ahead, we expect to discover a newfound appreciation of our experiences and our challenging adventure.
Through the anticipated process of meaning-making, we expect to transform our pain into a source of wisdom. We will grow and forge a deeper connection to ourselves and the world around us.
9. Resilience and Growth
It may feel like a long time before we are in this stage, but when we are, it will be a period marked by the gradual emergence of inner strength and resilience. We expect to encounter challenges along the way, but we envision ourselves rising above them,
Resilience, we believe, will become our greatest ally, empowering us to navigate the twists and turns of life with grace and fortitude. As we embrace the process of growth, we anticipate uncovering new depths of understanding and insight. We expect to grow as a couple since we have never been along, empty nesters, without a furbaby in our lives.
It will be an adventure, as we learn to harness the power of resilience from our grief. Through resilience and growth, we look forward to emerging from the shadows of grief, stronger, and wiser, better equipped to manage the pain.
10. Reconnection
In this reconnection stage, we begin to reconnect with ourselves, our loved ones, and the world at large. We envision reaching out to friends and family and garnering companionship from each other. Our shared humanity, being pet parents to Betty White, and the loss, will bind us together. We will rediscover the joy of connection in the midst of sorrow.
Reconnection, we believe, will be a gentle unfolding, a gradual opening of our hearts. Through the process of reconnection, we look forward to rediscovering the richness and depth of our relationship.
11. Forgiveness
This stage is difficult. As we maneuver through the different stages of grief, they are all difficult, but this one, in particular, for me (shannon). I realize that it is most likely a defense mechanism, not forgiving people for their lack of understanding.
Learning how to forgive ourselves and others, and acknowledging the imperfections and mistakes that are inherent in the human experience is what this stage is about. WE have learned that the lack of forgiveness is a natural reaction, but we logically know that it is needed to make peace with the past and embrace the present.
Forgiveness will not come easily. Through forgiveness, we look forward to reclaiming our inner peace and reclaiming our power to create a future filled with love, joy, and possibility.
12. Integration and Transformation
In the final stage of the 12 steps of grief, we anticipate that we will integrate the lessons learned and the wisdom gained into the fabric of our being. Integration, we believe, will be a gentle merging of our past and present selves, as we reconcile the pain of loss with the beauty of life’s ongoing journey.
Through the process of transformation, we are empowered by the knowledge that even in our darkest moments, there is light to be found. As we said earlier, there is no returning to your old self. You are a different person when you suffer the loss of someone you love.
The growth and self-discovery through this process are profound. Through integration and transformation, we look forward to reclaiming our sense of wholeness and embracing the boundless possibilities that lie ahead.
Coping with Grief Through the 12 Steps
It’s essential to remember that healing is a gradual and deeply personal journey. The first step of grief may be number 8 for you. Through the various stages of grief, you can experience them in a completely different order.
I, Shannon, experienced step 4 of depression before I experienced the anger. While the experience of loss may be fraught with challenges and uncertainties, there are countless outlets and resources available to support you along the way.
Whether it’s seeking solace from loved ones, finding comfort in creative expression, or seeking guidance from a therapist or grief support group, know that you are not alone. Each stage of grief offers an opportunity for growth and transformation. Allow yourself the space to grieve in your own time and in your way.
Remember, it’s okay to not be okay, and reaching out for help is a courageous act of self-care. Together, let us honor our loved ones’ legacies by embracing the journey of grief with courage, compassion, and grace.
You are Not Alone
If you stumbled upon this and are feeling that you have no hope, please know that we have been there. Those who experience grief have nowhere to put the love that they had for the person, pet, or being that they lost. Please know that there is hope. You are valued. There is value in the grieving process but you do not have to maneuver this challenging time alone.
Please seek help. You can go to Mental Health Match to find the perfect match for a therapist that is right for you. This is where we both found our therapists and many friends and family found theirs the same way. If you cannot afford it, use the sliding scale or choices that show that you are unable to pay.
We feel that our conversation with suicide survivor Kevin Berthia is especially helpful. You will learn more about hope and that YOU are your why!
You can also access our blog posts on grief. We talk about our own experiences and our conversations with others who have also experienced grief.
Prioritize Your Well-Being
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, we urge you to seek help from a mental health professional or a helpline. In the United States, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) for immediate assistance. Or you can use the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741
Please prioritize your well-being, and remember that there is help and hope available.
*Disclaimer- We are not medical professionals. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website. Please also review terms & conditions. We are simply sharing our experiences, and what we learned by seeking professional help.
FAQs | Frequently Asked Questions
Create a memorial by dedicating a space in your home or garden to honor your loved one’s memory. I got a cremation tattoo with our pup, Pharrell’s ashes. Consider volunteering your time, donating to a charity in their name, or raising awareness about issues they care about.
It ranges from person to person. There is no set timeline for grieving, and the process is highly individualized. Some people may move through the stages relatively quickly, while others may take much longer. The most important thing is to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate the grieving process and to seek support from loved ones or professional resources if needed.
Grief is a complex and unique process for everyone. It’s not uncommon for different emotions and reactions to coexist at the same time. It’s important to acknowledge and validate all of your emotions, even if they seem contradictory or conflicting. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel or experience it.
