Grief is complicated for anyone. You’d think that it would be easier for a couple to have someone going through the same thing you are, but that’s not always the case.
A little over 15% of couples end in divorce after experiencing the death of a family member. Why is that when the common bond of the loss is shared?
It’s no surprise we’re having one hell of a year. Not only did we lose our furbaby, whom we consider our child, Betty White, but we also lost Echo. It’s just a horrific year, one we couldn’t have imagined.
Understanding pet loss for most is difficult so it is important to lean on those who do get it.
To be completely transparent, we’re both struggling with the grieving process, and it’s not easy for our relationship. Not only is our mental health taking a toll, but being able to support each other when we’re in the most need isn’t easy either.
The Impact of Grief on Us as Individuals
Grief hits us both in different ways, which we couldn’t have prepared for. On a personal level, it triggers deep feelings of sadness, anxiety, and, at times, a sense of being lost.
For me (Shannon), it shows up as intense moments of depression—where getting out of bed feels like a mountain to climb.
For Gerry, it’s a constant buzz of anxiety, a feeling that everything in life could be unpredictable and fragile.
Grief impacts people emotionally and can seep into their physical health, energy levels, and self-worth. We quickly learn that we cannot power through it alone.
It requires patience, self-compassion, and the understanding that we need outside help to manage these feelings. It’s a painful but necessary process of learning how to deal with grief individually before we can truly move forward together.
Why We Chose Couples’ Therapy
Choosing couples therapy isn’t an easy decision, but it’s one we know we have to make when we realize we’re both struggling to connect amidst everything we’re dealing with.
At first, there’s some hesitation—there’s still a stigma around therapy, especially couples’ therapy, as though it means something’s irreparably broken.
But we understand that therapy isn’t about fixing something that’s falling apart; it’s about building something stronger. We’re both feeling the weight of grief, and it’s creating a lot of unspoken tension and miscommunication between us.
Therapy allows us to talk openly and safely about our feelings and helps us understand each other’s struggles more deeply. It’s not just about resolving conflict—it’s about strengthening our bond, learning to communicate better, and ensuring we’re in it together, no matter how tough things get.
Stripping It Back to the Basics
When we’re in the thick of it, it’s easy to get lost in the chaos—grief, stress, and the weight of everything else just piling on us.
That’s when we realize we need to go back to the basics—the foundation of why we’re together. We start revisiting the things that brought us together in the first place: shared values, common goals, and those little quirks that initially made us laugh.
We focus on reconnecting with the things that make us us. Whether remembering why we love going on adventures together or simply enjoying quiet moments without distractions, we remind ourselves that we have a strong partnership at the core.
Stripping it back helps us remove the clutter and rediscover the connection that sometimes gets buried during tough times.
Focusing on the Positives (Even When It’s Hard)
It’s easy to get caught up in the struggle when everything feels overwhelming, but one of the most important lessons we’ve learned this year is how vital it is to focus on the positives, even when there are few.
We must train ourselves to actively look for the small wins—the moments when we laugh together, the little victories in our personal growth, and the love we still have for each other despite everything.
Even on the most challenging days, we appreciate the simple joys: a cozy evening at home, a meaningful conversation, or just being there for each other.
It’s not about ignoring the tough stuff but rather about remembering that there’s still light, even in the darkest times. This shift in focus is a game-changer for us, reminding us that hope can often be found in the most unexpected places.
The Hard Days: Giving Each Other Grace
There are plenty of hard days when we feel at our lowest, and it seems like the weight of everything is too much to bear.
On those days, it’s easy to feel frustrated with each other or to retreat into our own spaces. But one of the most important things we’re learning is the power of grace—both giving it and receiving it.
We must remind ourselves that we’re both doing our best, even when our efforts are imperfect. Some days, the best we can offer is a quiet hug or just sitting in silence together.
On other days, we acknowledge that we’re both struggling and allow each other to feel that without judgment. Understanding that grief doesn’t look the same for us has allowed us to meet each other where we are without pressure or expectation.
Giving each other grace keeps us grounded in love, even when everything else feels messy.
Lessons Learned: Grief Can Strengthen, Not Just Break
One of the most brutal truths we’re facing this year is that grief, while deeply painful, doesn’t have to be a force that only breaks us. At first, it feels like it might, and there are moments when we question how we can move forward together.
But as time passes, we begin to see grief as an influential teacher that, while heavy, can also make us stronger. We’ve learned to lean on each other in new ways, to communicate with vulnerability, and to hold space for one another’s pain without fear or shame.
Grief forces us to confront parts of ourselves we haven’t seen in years, and in doing so, we find a deeper connection and understanding. It’s not easy, but it’s transformative. Grief shows us that even in the darkest moments, we have the power to grow, heal, and ultimately become more resilient as a couple.
Keep the Faith!
As we navigate this challenging year, one thing becomes clear: it is essential to keep faith in each other, in the healing process, or in the hope that things can improve.
There are moments when everything seems to unravel, but we must remind ourselves that hope isn’t always about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel immediately. Sometimes, hope is about the small steps forward and the reassurance that things can change, even when progress feels slow.
We hold on to the belief that healing isn’t linear and that tough days don’t last forever. We know we’ll make it through as long as we keep showing up for each other and trusting that better days are ahead.
Hope is the thread that keeps us together, reminding us that the work we’re doing now—individually and as a couple—will pay off in ways we can’t always see right away.
FAQs | Frequently Asked Questions
Easier said than done. We try to recognize that we’re both struggling and avoid projecting anger or sadness onto each other. Compassion and patience have helped us prevent blame from creeping in.
We opted for both. It’s important to assess what works best for both partners—sometimes, processing grief separately can provide clarity before coming together to heal as a couple.
Finding ways to honor the memory of our loved ones has been an important part of our healing. Whether we create a tradition, make a charitable donation, or simply share memories, these acts allow us to keep their spirit alive and strengthen our bond.
